Smarter vs. smaller government

The cry of the looniest is for smaller and smaller government. This is exemplified by the T-Bag Movement which constantly rails about the inherent beauty of a smaller government by which they appear to be calling for 27 of them to run Washington which will be promptly (and I mean promptly) renamed Reagan.

OK if you want to go all the way it will be Reagan DR. The District of Reagan will no longer contain any of the alphabet soup agencies of yore but will contain a much smaller Congress quite possibly housed in the Reagan Monument, formerly honoring our initial president.

The Reagan Memorial, the one where some old guy now sits pondering the future of the country without slavery will now feature a horse and rider watching a movie of John Wayne discovering the west.

It’s gratifying to learn my children and grandchildren will someday visit us from Reagan State out in the northwest. I can only hope Reagan Airport runs better in Seattle than it does in Reagan DC.

Our brand new form of government will adopt a few of the finer moments of Hamid Karzai’s Afghanistan. Nominees of the Democratic (I’m an old fashioned Democrat) party will have to be approved by the ruling 27. As they have done in Afghanistan and in Iraq many nominees will be taken off the ballot because….

As a result all will be well in Reaganland, the Home of the Reasonably Free and Plenty of Brave Talk.

As soon as we get the government off our backs we will be able to drill, baby drill and before you know it oil will be seeping our way without the hindrance of oil platforms.

As soon as we get the government off our back we will be able to mine coal without the damn miners asking for this and that. Poor guys can’t see in the dark and we won’t let them burn candles. Crybabies. Bunch of commies.

As soon as we get the government off our backs our individual states will be able to clearly define who is and who is not a valid citizen and won’t it be wonderful to send Them back to Texas which we stole fair and square from Mexico.

As soon as we get the government off our backs we will be able to pass financial reform and allow our major banks to operate without these ridiculous restraints the socialists, communists and fascists in the current administration are always talking about.

As soon as we get the government off our back we will be able to travel down the highways on a horse while we text and phone other freedom loving Americans.

As soon as we get the government off our back.

Another critical timeline in American history.

The Kentucky Derby is up for grabs on Saturday. Observation: never bet against Calumet Farms. A modest piece of whimsy since it no longer exists but won me twelve big ones ($12.00) at college when twelve big ones came in handy for eating purposes. I was at a fraternity beer festival with friends and a few big time Illini athletes who had never heard of Calumet and in this particular year – Ponder. And no I don’t know what this comes to in Euros.

Ultimately the Calumet Farms owner, Warren Wright, died and his heirs turned it into mush. Another cautionary tale of greed.

Calumet produced horses like Whirlaway, Armed, Citation, Coaltown and Alydar. In the end it became another scam like Madoff and Rothstein. Alydar was killed for the insurance or so the story goes.

Note: This is what comes of reading the sports pages since I was seven. Obviously no good can come of this.

 

warren-langer@att.net

Still Liberal at 83

Sex, drugs and guns

Listen I’m 83; went to an all boys high school; all boys navy and attended college in Illinois with 30,000 other veterans and six (maybe seven) girls.

As you might guess I’m an expert on sex.

To make it even worse I had a terrible case of acne and was initially rejected by a blemish-proof Naval Air Corps. X-ray treatment on my face and back put me in a new light, however, and I went on to win The War.

You betcha.

After college I entered the publishing business (don’t do it) and discovered girls.

A major surprise of my life was that girls actually talked to me and a modest few went even further.

Did I mention that I am now 83?

There is a superbly surprising amount of sex on the telly (I’m British at heart) which awkwardly, to me, recalls a time you were thrown out of school for even thinking about what you appreciatively see every morning, noon and night on the tube, internet and street.

Can this be true?

Regretfully yes. The female of the species is now wearing what Jane once wore in pursuit of Tarzan or was it Eve and Adam. At 83 you get this sort of thing mixed up.

All I can say is “we’re not in Kansas any more.”

Good or bad? Damned if I know.

Regretfully, did I mention I was 83, I know more about drugs than sex these days.

I take several pain pills each and every day for a neck that appears to be made of sawdust. I also self-inject Enbrel for arthritis and will soon be pushing a needle into a muscle to provide the testosterone that used to be There, but no longer is.

And no I’m not going to be drawing a picture. I draw Social Security and a modest few VA benefits.

I once took several of the highly publicized oxycontin drug pills while recovering from the placement of a brand new right hip, fresh out of the box, into the area where hips are often placed. My wife tells me I went mildly nuts.

Frankly I had no idea Rush Limbaugh and I had so much in common.

The new hip beeps at the sight of a walk-through surveillance monitor and without encouragement or threats I quickly remove my shoes, boot-leg copy of Microsoft Word and any placebos I might have. My wife worries about the possibility of my blurting out incriminating evidence concerning a college-level exam in Atomic Physics. (Also known as Introduction to Ametiza 8.0)  “Keep very quiet,” she explains.

Every now and then the monitor fails to beep and I have a conference with the controlling authorities. The powers that be are seldom (never) anxious to discuss a non-beeping monitor while those standing nearby are nervously noting facial similarities to Richard Reid, the shoe bomber.

Opting for compromise they place me on their “desperate for love” list and move on.

The beep machine does not beep and never has beeped because of my neck which has approximately 17 pounds of what the machinery is seeking to dominate through accurate beep control. I don’t often provide tips for the Osama bin Laden crowd but this could be more helpful to them then Glenn Beck or even Sean Hannity.

Dr. John Watson wrote about this in his famous Holmes epic, “The hip and/or neck that wouldn’t beep in the night.” (Barnes & Noble: $8.70)

And now you know why my good wife and I divorced for a brief period in our fifty years plus relationship.

“One more pun and you’re out of here,” was a major element in the Primary Reason for Separation Document.

Aside: Roughly ten small children from a Fort Lauderdale Elementary School were packed off to a hospital yesterday for overdosing on something. I don’t believe it was model airplane glue.

As to guns for you and me?

I was a radio gunner once and, undoubtedly, the worst shot in the long and glorious history of the Naval Air Corps.

In short put me down as Dubious.

The idea of being the only armed man at a Tea Party or Birther Convention doesn’t particularly worry me since I wouldn’t be caught dead at one.

I suppose there’s a better way of saying that but other than restricting gun ownership to people with IQs above 70 I have no reasonable solution.

Recapping.

Subject               Attitude              Score

Sex                      Pro                       2 daughters now residing in Seattle.                      

Drugs                   Con                      Two 10 mg. Oxycodone daily.

Guns                    Con                      I do have a List* and it is quite long. 

Baseball                Pro                       Marlins in five.

Republicans        Con                     42.7 million of them. Why?                                   

Democracy          Pro                       300 plus millions to zero.

Summing up: I am against anything Sarah Palin, John McCain, Newt Gingrich, TeaBaggers, Birthers and Fox News is for.

And by the way, in my lifetime we have always had a Fox News. 

In the Midwest it was the Chicago Tribune owned by Colonel Robert R. McCormick who impetuously noted the new president was Thomas E. Dewey. Nationally it was Henry Luce’s Time Magazine that had a nasty habit of rewriting material furnished by reporters – roughly 180% to the right. In Orlando, FL it was the Sentinel published by Martin Anderson, a friend of LBJ who basically believed farm workers were overpaid. In the California of the 1930s, 40, 50s and 60s – the Los Angeles Times quite regularly named the next governor – without notifying the voters. There were, of course, many others who made up the news to suit themselves.

Fiction has always been easier to write than non-fiction.

Warren Langer 

http://warrenlanger.wordpress.com

warrenlanger@att.net

Still Liberal at 83

Florida Monthly, Florida corruption

In the mid 1980s I started planning a magazine loosely based on the success of Texas Monthly, a publication I had long admired.

As you probably know Texas is a strange state populated by a few liberals, lots of conservatives, the Bush Connecticut klan and a solid mixture of crime, corruption, giant sized (colossal) egos and a modest need to learn more about all the various types.

Thus came Texas Monthly.

If they can do it in Texas why can’t I do it in Florida? I know publishing, I know Florida and I was being paid roughly $250,000 one particular year not to work for InfoWorld, an early and fabled personal computer magazine.

Yes, yes I know. I really do.

I should have turned it down and looked into a McDonald’s franchise. Or sailed around the world in a leaky rowboat and been interviewed by Today, Tomorrow, Tonight and The Next Day. The book alone would have sold 12 copies.

On the other hand Florida had a wonderfully sleazy history, crime on the uptick and corruption that made Texas seem tame in comparison.

I opted for Florida Monthly.

Unfortunately the guy I entrusted to make this dream come true was, at best, an idle dreamer, a ne’er do well highly allergic to details. He was a non-people person devoted to laughing at things most ordinary, sane people do not laugh at.

He was an ex-copywriter.  One of the immutable Laws of Life is to watch your wallet when dealing with copywriters; ex or present day.

The guy being discussed was and is me.

We tested the concept and it came back A minus at best, B minus at worst.

I saw what turned out to be Florida Monthly as Texas Monthly2.

Others pictured it as an extraordinary combination of Boating, Gardening, Sailing, Better Homes and Gardens, Spring Break, Expensive Homes, Very Expensive Homes and Super Costly Expensive Homes.

In my previous life I had been a Research and Promotion Director for several magazines as well as Associate Publisher for others. I had sold advertising space and heard (and participated in) enough baloney to cover several worlds and a few asteroids.

I also had Rheumatoid Arthritis, Psoriatic Arthritis, Raynaud’s Syndrome, Immune System problems, and a fierce desire to replace Michael Jordan if and when he retired.

The immune system problems came from a number of sessions with an x-ray machine directed at my face, back and other body parts. This was so I could tame my acne, join the Naval Air Corps and save the world.

I became a radio gunner on a torpedo bomber (TBF) but somebody else saved the world. It certainly wasn’t me but I did get to know Florida among other semi-famed places.

My wife, god bless her, is a native Floridian (one of seven in the state) and OK’d the project for Florida Monthly as long as it wouldn’t disturb our peace of mind and financial position.

I looked her in the eye and lied.

Hundreds of thousands later we divorced, although cooler heads later prevailed and we recently celebrated 50 years of togetherness.

But back to Florida Monthly and our sweetly corrupt state.

How did I know it was corrupt?

I read the papers, ran a few political campaigns in Central Florida, knew people, knew what they were up to and wasn’t crazy about what I saw.

When John Kennedy was assassinated my then bosses hooted with glee. I walked out of the office.

I knew about segregation and the joke that was initially integration.  

I bailed out our gardener from the prison farm. His crime? Headlights and back lights not working properly.

The publisher of the Orlando Sentinel was a friend of LBJ. When Ed Murrow ran Harvest of Shame, an expose of the Migrant Worker problem the paper investigated and disputed the facts.

Publisher:           What did you discover?

Investigator:       Murrow is right.

So the Orlando Sentinel ran a series discrediting – Murrow.

Ed Gurney of Winter Park, a decorated war hero, was the first successful Republican since Reconstruction Days. The ad agency I worked for ran his campaign for the Florida House and U.S. House of Representatives.

I’m a liberal Democrat and said I wouldn’t write for him. He came one morning to meet with the ad agency but unfortunately everybody was out drinking and as the only sober guy on the staff I was elected to help run his campaign.

Ed became the first Republican Senator and was caught up – slightly – in Watergate. A good guy.

Mel Brooks could have written that chapter.

Where was I?

Over the years I learned a lot about the state and thought I could really do something.

I was wrong. It wasn’t to be.

I was the wrong guy mentally and physically.

There’s more to the story but I’ll leave it at that.

What could have happened with Florida Monthly?

We could have covered the Bush-Gore recount.

We could have covered the 18,000 votes for Buchanan in Palm Beach County.

We could have covered the sugar barons and the attempted rape of the Everglades.

We could have covered the Bay of Pigs story after the fact. Hey it’s still never been told.

We could have covered the DisneyWorld story; another tale not yet detailed.

We could have covered Enron. Florida Gas of Winter Park was their first important subsidiary. It led to X which led to Y which led to crime and devastation.

We could have covered Madoff, a true Florida story.

We could have covered Rothstein. In many respects another stock market crime. Bets on something that turned out to be nothing.

I live in Deerfield Beach and believe me – it has been for sale for some time. It still is.

We could have covered the growth of the casinos. Who paid what to whom?

We could have covered the Legislature. We all guess at the corruption inherent in this institution. It’s probably worse than you think.

Russian mobs, Latin mobs, Black on Black crime,

White collar crime.

The list is seemingly endless and still available to Somebody.

Just not me.

PS: InfoWorld, in the glory days, would send me incredibly detailed monthly statements along with a check of almost always above $20,000. Another rep would receive a similar statement and complain vociferously about a missing $1.25. He got zip and I was paid not to work. The both of us were canned after eight years because that’s how it works. You’re fired if you don’t produce and you’re fired if you produce too much. In that case somebody at the home office wonders why you’re receiving that much money and don’t answer the phone immediately if not sooner. As Frank Capra noted, “It’s a wonderful life.”

By the way there really IS a Florida Monthly these days. Not mine, and it doesn’t cover my interests, but it is there.

Warren Langer 

warrenlanger@att.net

Still Liberal at 83

https://warrenlanger.wordpress.com

How to save the Post Ofice

 

I worked in the Post Office during a Christmas vacation of long ago. The Democratic Party had me on their politically approved list; I was home from school and reported one Monday morning to the James A. Farley Post Office Building in mid-town New York City.

Jim Farley had been FDR’s Postmaster General and the Karl Rove of his day. As you may have guessed – some things never change.

Built in 1912 by the fabled architects McKim, Mead & White it occupies nine acres and bears the famous legend, “Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.”

Langer:     “Damn it, no snickering. This is serious stuff.”

While signing in I ran into a basketball playing acquaintance who suggested I see a movie on 42nd street with about a dozen others. I declined, not from moral qualms, but in fear of “capture” and exposure.

As you may have guessed – some things never change.

In retrospect I was an innocent – then.

They checked in, quietly left, saw several movies, came back and checked out.

Their check (I am a smidgeon cynical) probably included overtime and mine didn’t.

Moving on.

The United States Post Office, named as an entity in the Constitution, (Article I, “To establish post offices and post roads”) has been around since the beginning. Its ups and downs are legendary with downs almost always followed by a rate increase.

As you may have guessed – some things never change.

We citizens are essentially receiving our mail in the same manner we did in 1790 and since then both the paper clip and rubber band have been invented. (I believe Dave Barry at this point would suggest Rubber Band as a fine name for a small musical group.)

The Post Office has, to their credit, tried everything to revise their credit picture upward. Your very own picture on a stamp comes quickly to mind.

It has delivered the goods through the snows, and gloom of nights treasured by economists, satirists and novelists.

It has also closed OPEN windows at my approach and told us, often enough, “if  it fits in one of their boxes it could be delivered to Fargo, North Dakota or New Orleans, Louisiana for the same price.” This apparently does not apply to the body eulogized in “Weekend at Bernie’s.”

During my youth it also featured WANTED posters naming people such as John Dillinger who was ultimately whacked by the Feds before he could post an on-line review of a movie he had just seen in Chicago. It also WANTED Willie Sutton who robbed banks because he astutely guessed it was where the money was.

These posters are now available on the Internet which is also home to the genesis of the Postal Service Problems.

Currently losing umpteen billions annually it is subtly asking for our financial assistance. (“$27 for this letter and we won’t shoot your dog.”)

Blame it on e-Mail, blame it on Steve Jobs, blame it on Barack Obama – whatever the cause – raising rates won’t solve the problem.

My suggestion is, in this one instance, to follow the Republican Road and sell the system to the highest (or even the lowest) bidder.

FedEx makes money, UPS makes money, Microsoft and Google make money, Cisco makes money and so does Oracle which leads me tentatively to this suggestion.

I would assemble their leaders alphabetically around a large round table and to provide a modest sense of urgency lay a submachine gun (See J. Dillinger) on the table and snarl (See G. Raft) “nobody leaves until you tell us what to do and how to do it.”

My hope is they will arrive at a suitable answer that will make everybody happy and home for dinner.

We, poor citizens of this vast country, will ostensibly make an entirely unreasonable profit along with the leaders of these great companies who are already raking it in.

The resulting entity could be called George or Sam but what we now call “mail” will arrive in your house, computer or phone a lot quicker and for a lot less money.

As for those who don’t have a computer, house or phone – well our Knights of the Round Table will resolve that problem also.

My dough, as always, is on Arthur, Lancelot, Galahad, Lerner and Loewe.

Will the unions scream? Of course they will.

Will current post office workers scream? Of course they will.

Once again the Knights of the Round Table will ride to our rescue and this time they might bring in Robin Hood and his crew.

Just in case.

Summary. It won’t happen overnight but it will happen and it will be in a form similar to that pictured above.

No kidding.

PS: And yes, they already tried the Pony Express. It too lost a barrel of money.

 Warren Langer

warren-langer@att.net

Blog: Still Liberal at 83.

A look back at “Will the Democrats lose in 2010?”

I wrote and published the following November 20, 2009. Much of what I penned has turned out to be true. I do imply that Obama will lead us out of Afghanistan and instead he increased our troop level in that “lost” country. He may yet change his mind and I will stick with my first view.

I say the Democrats will pick up four Senate seats. Originally written with tongue slightly in cheek I am now more optimistic. At least three and probably four seats will be added to the blue column.

Who am I? Just another of the umpteen billion bloggers now plodding their dubious trade. I have remarkably few readers but remain “Still Liberal at 83”.

I suspect “Just Say No” is a truly wonderful Republican error. God bless them!

As you may have noted we gained 162,000 jobs last month and Health Care Reform is the Law of the Land.

On the negative side there has been a 4,282% increase in the Nuts, Dopes, Birthers and TeaBagGasBags of the country.

Life is still imperfect.

Written and published November 20, 2009. https://warrenlanger.wordpress.com

Will the Democrats lose in 2010?

No.

Well that takes care of That.

If things stand as they are today – now – they (the Democrats) will lose. The Republicans could elect Alf Landon right now.

In case your memory is short he was the Kansas Governor supposed to beat FDR 46 states to 2. The Literary Digest had polled the country and that was what the people told them.

The Literary Digest of 1936 was the Newsweek of that era or maybe the US News & World Report. Time was also being published but the Literary Digest was very big time.

Anyway that was their answer and it was based on solid, scientific research.

They still held the election for old times’ sake and lo and behold FDR won 46 states to 2.

How about that!

The Literary Digest pollsters made a slight mistake. Hey we all make mistakes.

They did their polling by phone.

In today’s iPod, cell phone world that might work.

But in 1936 only them rich people had phones.

And them rich people were 99.44% Republican.

But that was Then, Now is Now (maybe) and 2010 is still a year away.

Could anything happen between now and then to change the mood of the electorate?

Well yes.

Step One. Let’s say that Obama does something gutsy and says “no more troops” to Afghanistan. The Republicans will yell and scream (they’re very good at this) but we really can’t win in Afghanistan.

It’s a corrupt country. It’s a warlord country. It’s a “poppy” country. They don’t like us. They have been in wars like this for 500 years. They threw out the British. They threw out the Russians. They don’t allow women to pursue an education or hold more than menial jobs.

Did I mention that they don’t like us?

Also it’s not like Kansas or California or Florida or New York. A more inhospitable war environment would be hard to find.

So we say goodbye, adios, au revoir and good night forever and we all think about it and realize, a bit later, this is a very smart decision and Obama was right to take a while to get it right.

His stock jumps 10%.

Step Two. Health Care Reform is passed. Suddenly a lot more of us have health insurance and like the idea. (And they don’t like the idea that the Republicans have been 100% against it.)

Suddenly just saying “No” isn’t as smart as advertised.

The reasons they “Just Say No” are quite unreasonable. At least Limbaugh was honest (well fairly honest). He simply wanted the president (There, I’ve said it) to fail.

The other clowns wanted their power back and if the country had to fail – sorry about that – the ends just justify the means sort of stuff.

They don’t like him because:

He’s half black.

He’s half white.

He went to Harvard and they didn’t.

He’s not really an American. Real Americans are white and from Alaska.

He thinks and talks English, a somewhat foreign language to our last president.

Face it the Republicans were against Health Care Reform because they were against the Democrats. They didn’t have a plan of their own so they thought saying NO was brilliant.

It wasn’t.

Step Three. Sarah Palin. She’s attractive, reasonably well spoken if speaking very fast implies brilliance, attractive and can tell you what’s wrong with anybody who is ever so slightly against her. We used to call that kind of attitude being thin skinned.

Also she’s very attractive.

On the other hand she can’t shut up and can say enough really dumb things to leave the electorate somewhat uneasy about her and her chances of becoming president.

Still she’s very attractive. Very.

She also doesn’t pay the slightest attention to what she is saying. Thus she will contradict herself every five minutes. This may be charming in Wasilla but won’t fly in the lower forty-eight.

Maybe I just can’t get over hearing her talk about Freedom while in the background turkeys were being beheaded.

She also reads “everything” per her talk with Ms. Couric and won’t have time for the rest of us.

How much “It’s their fault” can we take?

Listen I’m a great believer in both basketball and education but five colleges?

And if She wrote That book in three months I’m Leo Tolstoy.

Just for the record I’m also not Calvin Trillin, Dave Barry or even the prolific author of See Spot, See Spot Run.

Step Four. Jobs. The Republicans are upset because we are in a recession.

This is true and they have plotted – damned if I know how – to blame it on Obama.

So far they have managed to get away with getting us into this mess, selling the country to the Saudis and Chinese and saying they had nothing to do with it.

Their luck will run out. Ultimately the public will hear, over and over again, how they (the Republicans) mortgaged the country for two wars they didn’t pay for. And one, Iraq, they lied us into.

They will also hear – repeatedly – how Bush and Cheney approved of torture, something we’ve been famous for NOT DOING.

Just because the Republicans say they had nothing to do with our problems really doesn’t mean they had nothing to do with our problems.

Their luck will run out because the people they have representing them just won’t do.

All this talk of bipartisanship when you’re scuttling every vote on anything and everything – well people will ultimately (and slowly) notice.

The Republicans believe the rest of the country is dumb.

The Republicans believe the rest of the country will believe them because the Republicans are really believable?

Please.

You’d have to look long and hard to find a bigger bunch of blowhards, crooks and rascals.

Prediction: The Democrats will pick up 4 Senate seats in 2010 and hold their present majority in the House of Representatives.

I would really like to hear your views on everything or anything I’ve written. I can be contacted at:

 

Warren Langer 

https://warrenlanger.wordpress.com

warren-langer@att.net

Still Liberal at 83.