Listen I’m 83; went to an all boys high school; all boys navy and attended college in Illinois with 30,000 other veterans and six (maybe seven) girls.
As you might guess I’m an expert on sex.
To make it even worse I had a terrible case of acne and was initially rejected by a blemish-proof Naval Air Corps. X-ray treatment on my face and back put me in a new light, however, and I went on to win The War.
You betcha.
After college I entered the publishing business (don’t do it) and discovered girls.
A major surprise of my life was that girls actually talked to me and a modest few went even further.
Did I mention that I am now 83?
There is a superbly surprising amount of sex on the telly (I’m British at heart) which awkwardly, to me, recalls a time you were thrown out of school for even thinking about what you appreciatively see every morning, noon and night on the tube, internet and street.
Can this be true?
Regretfully yes. The female of the species is now wearing what Jane once wore in pursuit of Tarzan or was it Eve and Adam. At 83 you get this sort of thing mixed up.
All I can say is “we’re not in Kansas any more.”
Good or bad? Damned if I know.
Regretfully, did I mention I was 83, I know more about drugs than sex these days.
I take several pain pills each and every day for a neck that appears to be made of sawdust. I also self-inject Enbrel for arthritis and will soon be pushing a needle into a muscle to provide the testosterone that used to be There, but no longer is.
And no I’m not going to be drawing a picture. I draw Social Security and a modest few VA benefits.
I once took several of the highly publicized oxycontin drug pills while recovering from the placement of a brand new right hip, fresh out of the box, into the area where hips are often placed. My wife tells me I went mildly nuts.
Frankly I had no idea Rush Limbaugh and I had so much in common.
The new hip beeps at the sight of a walk-through surveillance monitor and without encouragement or threats I quickly remove my shoes, boot-leg copy of Microsoft Word and any placebos I might have. My wife worries about the possibility of my blurting out incriminating evidence concerning a college-level exam in Atomic Physics. (Also known as Introduction to Ametiza 8.0) “Keep very quiet,” she explains.
Every now and then the monitor fails to beep and I have a conference with the controlling authorities. The powers that be are seldom (never) anxious to discuss a non-beeping monitor while those standing nearby are nervously noting facial similarities to Richard Reid, the shoe bomber.
Opting for compromise they place me on their “desperate for love” list and move on.
The beep machine does not beep and never has beeped because of my neck which has approximately 17 pounds of what the machinery is seeking to dominate through accurate beep control. I don’t often provide tips for the Osama bin Laden crowd but this could be more helpful to them then Glenn Beck or even Sean Hannity.
Dr. John Watson wrote about this in his famous Holmes epic, “The hip and/or neck that wouldn’t beep in the night.” (Barnes & Noble: $8.70)
And now you know why my good wife and I divorced for a brief period in our fifty years plus relationship.
“One more pun and you’re out of here,” was a major element in the Primary Reason for Separation Document.
Aside: Roughly ten small children from a Fort Lauderdale Elementary School were packed off to a hospital yesterday for overdosing on something. I don’t believe it was model airplane glue.
As to guns for you and me?
I was a radio gunner once and, undoubtedly, the worst shot in the long and glorious history of the Naval Air Corps.
In short put me down as Dubious.
The idea of being the only armed man at a Tea Party or Birther Convention doesn’t particularly worry me since I wouldn’t be caught dead at one.
I suppose there’s a better way of saying that but other than restricting gun ownership to people with IQs above 70 I have no reasonable solution.
Recapping.
Subject Attitude Score
Sex Pro 2 daughters now residing in Seattle.
Drugs Con Two 10 mg. Oxycodone daily.
Guns Con I do have a List* and it is quite long.
Baseball Pro Marlins in five.
Republicans Con 42.7 million of them. Why?
Democracy Pro 300 plus millions to zero.
Summing up: I am against anything Sarah Palin, John McCain, Newt Gingrich, TeaBaggers, Birthers and Fox News is for.
And by the way, in my lifetime we have always had a Fox News.
In the Midwest it was the Chicago Tribune owned by Colonel Robert R. McCormick who impetuously noted the new president was Thomas E. Dewey. Nationally it was Henry Luce’s Time Magazine that had a nasty habit of rewriting material furnished by reporters – roughly 180% to the right. In Orlando, FL it was the Sentinel published by Martin Anderson, a friend of LBJ who basically believed farm workers were overpaid. In the California of the 1930s, 40, 50s and 60s – the Los Angeles Times quite regularly named the next governor – without notifying the voters. There were, of course, many others who made up the news to suit themselves.
Fiction has always been easier to write than non-fiction.
Warren Langer
http://warrenlanger.wordpress.com
Still Liberal at 83
Still liberal at 84 
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